do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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