I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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