then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
