My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
