A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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