Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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