I only kidnapped one of them. chill
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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