I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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