So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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