so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
