Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
