I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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