Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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