Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
