Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
