I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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