i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
