Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
