New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
this boner is exhausting
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
