um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
