I wish i was in the wii world.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
