Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
