the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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