Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I forget how to act sober
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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