Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
