i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
