I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
