I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize