Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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