Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So squirting runs in the family.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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