Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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