dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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