guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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