I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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