Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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