she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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