shes about as inviting as chlamydia
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
