Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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