Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
