How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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