I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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