Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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