Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
