you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
