I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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