If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize