Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
