70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize