Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
