I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
