go do what you do best...puke behind churches
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
