I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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