I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
