just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
