You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
