The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize