just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize