is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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