I wish they made helmets for livers.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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