i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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