would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My liver just had a heart attack.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
