btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
