my phone needs a breathalizer
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just pee around me
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
