the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
