Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
