2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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