I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
