Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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